Saturday, September 3, 2011

Psychobaby's Top 10 Things NOT to do with your Child

Let's face it. Our kids can be our best friend (or our worst nightmare) but sometimes we forget that they aren't ready for all the insanity of our daily life. We did some serious research and compiled the most epic list of things you should most definitely not inflict on your kid.

1. Go to the Gym

Going to the gym is part of our weekly routine... (when we can fit it into our busy schedules). One of my biggest pet peeves is those unfortunate few who skip the babysitter and head straight to the gym with Larry Jr. in toe to cry and make a scene while I'm working off that entire cheesecake I ate the night before. Alright Super Dad. We get it. You are 3% body fat and when you aren't searching for your own neck you are dead squatting 300 pounds. No need to rub it in our faces in it that you can do it all with a kid strapped to your chest! Are you trying to score your kid a date? Jeez, man, just buy him a studly t-shirt from Psychobaby.

2. Fix The Ceiling fan

We all want our kids to adopt our profession... But COME ON! If you are Ceiling-Fan-Fixer you should probably wait till your kid can climb a ladder before you send him up to fix his first fan! His tiny little fingers are perfect for weeding loose wires in and out of small places but lets give the kid the benefit of the doubt and go ahead and say not everyone wants to grow up to be Ceiling-Fan-Fixers. Personally I'd be more likely to opt for the safer occupation like Oscillating-Floor-Fan-Fixer....

3. Use Them as Your Designated Driver 

image credited from:
Some people have kids to save the marriage, some have kids to shut their mother-in-law up, and some very special people have kids so that they have somebody to keep them company while they hit the bottle. Why not take it one step further, Mr. dad of the year? Plop your offspring in the driver's seat when you've had too much. He's too young to go to jail, right? And you need that license to buy more beer. Call a cab next time.

4. Go Longboarding

Summer's here and I know it because there are longboarders everywhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, flying through stop signs, wind blown hair, and those super stylish floral print board shorts. (I NEED SOME OF THOSE!!) As sweet as it may look, it's some serious stuff! So instead of letting your little boy or girl shred along side you through endless amounts of danger, just take the bus.

5. Go to Martial Arts Class

Taking junior to the gym is one thing, but using him as a miniature sparring buddy is just not fair. First of all, your child is very small and fragile and, even if you do happen to win, it doesn't seem like a fair fight. Secondly, look at your belt, dude. It's black. You're supposed to be a full-fledged ninja by now. The fact that somebody was even able to capture a photograph of you in this position means you should be back at the dojo begging Sensei for forgiveness. If you want your little kid to look like he can kick serious butt, check out this Kung-Fu Romper from Okutani.

6. Cat-Sitting

Big cats can run at speeds up to 70 mph. Your baby can't even walk yet. Do we really need to keep going? We do? Okay. They have night vision, sharp claws and they use Earth's gravity to know where they are at all times. You hear that? They have built-in GPS! You don't let your kid play with your phone, don't let them play with oversized felines, either. Seriously, get the kid a meowing stuffed animal from Melissa & Doug.

7. Visit the Tattoo Studio

Yeah, babies have a "unique" and "innocent" perspective on fine art. We get it. What baby doesn't have is the fine motor skills and concentration required to be a tattoo artist. I mean maybe they've got a real future in the field, but at least get the kid an apprenticeship first. And don't go inking your baby up either, there are Psychobaby tattoo gifts for that.

8. Attend Wild Beach Parties

It's summer time and the living's easy, right? Wrong! Your kid is home from school, bugging you about seeing Spy Kids 4D and telling you that's he's bored every 30 seconds. We know what you're thinking: "I'll just bring the kid to the beach. Babes love kids! Great idea, if you want to be the biggest perv at the party AND have intoxicated coeds sneaking booze to your impressionable offspring.

9. Chop Wood

Unless your baby is setting some sort of record - no, forget that, there is NO reason to put an axe in your baby's hand. In fact, don't even put Axe body spray in your baby's hand... unless you want the house to smell like a locker room. But your kid wants to be a fireman? Great, buy him a shirt or some cool toys. But don't put him on wood chopping duty. Please.

10. Bake Cookies

Sure, nursery rhymes may have you jaded about rolling and patting and marking with a B... but baking with your kid isn't as easy as it sounds, just ask those four and twenty blackbirds who got themselves baked into a pie! If your kid is begging for some stove time, just convince them that these are real.

Conclusion: Your kid is safer at home being watched by the dog than it is going out with you... ANYWHERE! Leave your child at home (and at least TRY to find a human sitter)! 

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